Analogies: Rescuers of Communication Stalemates

Think back to a recent argument (oh please, we've all been cooped up for over six weeks together. I know that you're arguing : ) and try to remember how often you started a sentence with the phrase, "It's like...."

(Not to be confused with simply littering the word, "like," throughout your verbal interactions, a habit that seems ubiquitous to anyone under the age of 40....myself included.)

There is a good chance that you followed that phrase with a description of how you or your partner acted during a particular situation. "It's like you don't realize how fried I am after spending a whole week with the kids." "It's like you can't tell how much my job is draining me." "It's like I can't do anything right in your eyes." "It's like you can't see how hurtful your silence was to me." "It's like you never see all the good things that I do!"

The problem with these kinds of statements is that they assume that the person opposite you can clearly understand your point of view. That they can see the world through your eyes and thus, understand why a certain situation would have such an effect on you. The inherent difficulty with this assumption is that no two people are exactly alike, with similar backgrounds, personalities, life experiences, ways of processing, likes/dislikes, love languages.....I think you get the idea. These differences create layers of cognitive dissonance that color how we hear and interpret each other.

Before throwing your proverbial (or literal!) hands in the air and walking away from the conversation, there may be one more tack to employ. After all, we want to take advantage of all these COVID-19 arguments, you know, to make progress.

Try using Analogies.

Paul and I received a lot of wonderful feedback after we recorded our story for our church--a story that focused on how we have navigated our relationship given just how different we are from each other. Of that feedback, people asked if we could expand on our use of analogies as a means of helping each other understand our respective (ridiculous:-) points of views. They have become so common in our conversations that we now use analogies during even non-volatile interactions! So to answer those requests, here are some quick thoughts about how we've used and created some of the common analogies that we go back to time and again. Perhaps it will help you begin to create analogies that work for you and your spouse too.

I think it's helpful to point out that this habit has some biblical precedent. After all, the OT and NT are always using the "this is like that" kind of figures of speech (whether it's Nathan confronting King David with a sheep metaphor or Jesus using parables to help us understand the Kingdom of Heaven!) So we're in good company when we turn to this particular figure of speech. One might say that it is a divinely inspired method of helping a fellow human understand a difficulty or confusing concept (and I'm so sure that's why we started using them : )

Analogies Based On Universally Understood Truths

Some circumstances, situations and events are understood to everyone in a culture. For example, when Jesus said that sowing seeds onto different kinds of soil is like sowing the gospel in hearts, he was appealing to his audiences general understanding of agriculture. So to help Paul understand my level of stress (overwhelmed, fatigue, worried, anxious, or frustration) in our home, I appeal to his general understanding of swimming.

I'll say something like, "I feel as though I've fallen out of a boat and I'm treading water while waiting for help. But I'm getting tired and I'm struggling to just keep my nose above the water. Meanwhile, you are just yelling instructions to me from the boat instead of tossing me a life preserver." Perhaps Paul will suddenly reconsider giving another piece of (perhaps well-intentioned!) advice, and instead focus on finding ways to encourage me or find ways to make my environment less distressing (clean up the house, take care of dinner, send me out for some time alone, etc.)

Another example of a universal analogy I often used is taken from the book "How People Change" by Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane. In this metaphor, a person is represented as a tree who is currently suffering from extreme environmental heat (think, Texas, in the middle of summer.) This tree (me) is designed to bear fruit (fruits of the spirit), but is struggling because of the negative impact of the heat (the trials, pressures, temptations and general difficulties of life.) The metaphor goes on to explain the vital need for believers to have roots that are deep and connected to the springs of living water (God's word and the work of the Holy Spirit) if we are going to survive and thrive during the most challenging times of life. It's an analogy that pulls from the universal understanding of a plant's life cycle.

So let's say that my temper has shown up more than normal during the course of a week. Paul, concerned for my spiritual health, might (gingerly) ask me about the uptick in emotional explosions. Assuming that I am in a frame of mind to be helpful (and not sarcastic : ) I might describe the state of my mind in terms taken from this metaphor. I could say, "I have a lot of heat in my life right now. It's nearly my time of the month," (Paul starts to back away slowly) "your job has kept you at the base longer than normal, it's been raining for days, I was furloughed from work, the kids are starting to bicker more and I just stepped off the scale and feel terrible about myself! My tree is struggling to produce much good fruit right now!!" Ah. NOW my struggle with anger might make more sense to Paul. A lightbulb might go off in his head and he can pivot to a new strategy for helping me….one that is better suited to the situation, now that he understands it better.

These are just two examples of ways that universal concepts can be used to illustrate my life in a way that Paul can more easily comprehend. In this way, Paul is able to learn to love me better.

Analogies Based on Personal Knowledge

If I'm a universal truth type of gal, then Paul gravitates towards personal truth. In this way, he is much like the prophet Nathan when he confronted King David. Using the story of a man and his most loved lamb, Nathan appealed to the shepherding part of David's heart before coming out and confronting David about his actions. Now, telling me a story about a sweet little lamb might give me the warm fuzzies, but it won't better help me comprehend a particular problem because I have no personal experience with raising sheep. But for David, it was an extremely effective method for having his sin made crystal clear in his mind.

So in our home, Paul might come to be and say, "Do you know that feeling you've described to me when the house is super messy? That's chaotic, unstable, angsty feelings?" ( I nod vigorously.) "Well, that's how I feel when you go and change a plan on me at the last minute." Ah. Liz has her lightbulb moment. It doesn't make much sense to me that changing plans last minute (especially if it seems like a great pivot!) would cause such emotional turmoil. It won't be easy for me to understand and empathize with Paul's frenetic mindset unless I have something to compare that feeling too. The same kind of analogy could be used for love languages. Paul might say, "The same feeling of satisfaction that you get from affirmation, I get when you appreciate my gifts to you." These are where personal illustrations are most helpful.

This type of analogy works best for two people who know each other well. It has the added benefit of showing that you've listened and observed the other person enough to understand them. So, it's a win-win!

A Few Caveats

Analogies are tools, and as such, they need to be used correctly in order to be truly helpful. They aren't the key to solving every problem and sometimes an analogy that you think is brilliant falls flat to the other person. So, we wanted to leave you with a few caveats to go along with our glowing endorsement. To be balanced : )

First, believe the analogy. This takes some serious relational trust, but the analogy will only be as effective as a person's willingness to accept the truth embedded in the figure of speech. Instead of pre-determining that your spouse is, indeed, just a crazy-pants who only needs to do what you suggest in order to improve...well...no analogy will change that. You'll just deny the analogy's truth ("I think telling you how to swim will work!"), attack its internal logic ("Well, why would you be treading water right beside a boat in the first place, hmmm????") or dismiss it altogether ("Nope, I don't believe that IS how you feel," or "There's no reason for you to feel that way"). If you truly want to resolve conflict and learn to love the person opposite you, there must be a commitment to believe them, no matter how crazy their assertions sound.

Second, don't use the same analogy to describe everything. I can't use my treading water analogy (which is fairly dramatic in a "I-feel-like-I'm-about-to-go-under-if-you-don't-help-me" kind of way) to describe every little thing that irritates me. The analogy will lose its impact if used over and over and over. So be careful that when you pull out an analogy, it is a true representation of the feeling you are trying to describe.

Third, once you get the hang of using these for your marriage, you may find that they are useful for other relationships. As I help my children work through their own internal (and external...like when they screamed so loudly at their sibling that the whole neighborhood heard) struggles, I tend to encourage them to create analogies to help them communicate what is going on inside their heads. When a friend comes to me for advice and I just can't quite understand what they are describing, I'll suggest an analogy as a way to see if I'm tracking with them, (e.g., "So what you are describing to me sounds as if you feel like a child whose been abandoned by their friends on the playground?"). When counselling other couples, Paul and I might pull out an analogy in order to better describe the need for conflict management ("imagine each negative interaction is like a piece of trash that you ball up and toss onto the floor of your house. If you never pick that trash up, never deal with it, over time the house becomes filled with trash and eventually it's overwhelming. You might be tempted to just leave the house and find a cleaner place. But if you pick up each piece of trash and properly throw it away, your house can stay clean and give you a sense of security.") Over time, you may find that certain analogies prove very useful and helpful to the people in your life. Loving them may become a little easier.

So, in conclusion, conflict can be frustrating! It's like going outside to your truck in the morning and it doesn't turn over. Or like when you're cooking and you realize too late that you forgot to set a timer and the food is burnt. Or like if I were to go into your closet and throw away your favorite GAP sweatshirt that you've had since college...Or like...Or like... (see what I did there). Conflict takes time, energy and endurance. Any tool that can make that conflict more productive, or even aid in understanding the conflict in the first place, is worth investigating and implementing. For Paul and I, using analogies has been just one more way to learn to love each other better. It's been, like, so helpful (a little joke:-). We hope that analogies will be a help to you as well.