I sat down this morning to spend some time with God, a habit that I've tried to maintain for most of my life (to varying degrees of success.) It was 7AM and pitch black outside. It's almost 9AM now and STILL dark out. The winter solstice is close friends.
I've written before about how the Alaskan darkness is difficult to handle. As the days shorten I notice an almost measurable slide away from using my brain for anything more taxing than perusing the news and looking for new recipes to bake (a dangerous habit, in and of itself!) I read less, write less, and tackle fewer and fewer "big" projects. It's a frustrating aspect of winter here, this less-than-active-brain. But this morning would be different! I resolutely sat down on my couch with coffee and devotional book in hand, determined to give God the time and energy that he deserved. I vowed that neither darkness, nor coldness, nor lack of general motivation due to world circumstances would derail me from my course of action. SO THERE.
But I must report that sadly, my resolve was slowly and rapaciously stolen from me, not because of the darkness but because from out of the corner of my eye, my brain kept fixating on the room in front of me. More specifically, on the chaos in the room in front of me.
Headphones, pencils, school books, library books, a towel (why??,) legos, an errant mask (because it's 2020,) socks that didn't make it to their drawers after laundry....Argh!!....HOMESCHOOLING!!!!
Now, I should back up and preface this exclamation by reiterating just how much clutter bothers me. I realize that this isn't ubiquitous to everyone. Some people might want to judge my spirituality (or at least my mental self-control) as lacking right now. All I can say is that we each have our own Achilles heel and for me, there are few things that can upset my brain and reduce my sanctification quite as quickly as a cluttered environment. Especially in the winter. In Alaska. During a pandemic.
When I bought this house, I did not have homeschooling in mind. In fact, one of the things that drew me to this address was the proximity to a nice, highly-rated elementary school. I didn't consider the number of bedrooms or the size of the living area with education in mind at all. When I imagined the kids home, it was in the afternoons and evenings. When I thought of what I'd fill my house with, it wasn't school supplies, books (ok, well not school books!) extra computers, subscription boxes, art supplies, headphones, and all the various and sundry detritus that seems necessary to complete basic learning.
[Jack just walked up and said, "MOM! Do you know where my calculator is?? It's not where I left it?" "Where did you leave it?" "Ummmm, on the floor? Near my desk? Maybe??" Sigh. Pardon me while I search the floor for a calculator...]
During previous years, the hour before the kids left for school was the WORST, especially in the winter when all the snow gear had to be located. Inevitably someone had misplaced their gloves on a day when it was 5 degrees outside. But if I could just survive that hour, I'd be able to close the door and put the house in order...at least the parts of it where I spent my time. And it mostly stayed clean! Now, my family is always home and without a dedicated room for schooling (which we just don't have and besides, the warmest place in the house is in the living room during the winter) my efforts to keep my upstairs clutter/chaos free feels truly futile. (Meme-worthy, one might says : )
A friend of mine has readily admitted that she's basically given up trying to keep the house clutter-free. "I keep it clean," she firmly stated, "But at some point I gave up always trying to put everything back where it belongs for the short time when it wasn't being used." I tried that method once. And lost my temper often that week.
So what are my thoughts about this struggle? Well, I have a few. These aren't particularly deep or particularly spiritual, but thinking them helps me and since I can't imagine I'm the only person in this situation, I thought that this morning I would pass them along (right after I cleaned up the mess in the living room : )
First, assess the situation as see if your brain is reacting appropriately. There is a big difference between looking at clutter and reacting with "WHAT in the WORLD!?! Why are my children and husband so EVIL!?!? Why does EVERYONE in the house HATE me?!" vs looking at the clutter and reacting with "UGH...this clutter! I wish it wasn't here." I remember reading a parenting book where an author discussed the importance of not reacting to a single situation as if it were the sum total of all the frustrations that had gathered, like rain waiting in a thundercloud, in your mind. If you do, those frustrations will get released all at once and the poor child (or spouse) who happens to be in the vicinity will end up like a hapless human caught in a raging rain storm without an umbrella.
I tend to thunderstorm alot. The irritations of any given day will grow in my brain and instead of dealing with each of them individually, I unwittingly keep gathering them up until something (a legitimate, but small, offense like not finishing an assignment or leaving milk on the counter) triggers their emotional release. "Disciplining" my child, I give them a lecture of epic proportions about their lack of respect, lack of awareness, lack of empathy, lack of maturity, lack of all characteristics of a decent human being!!!! That poor child. Because what I'm really doing is taking the opportunity to pour out all of my angst (how often do I have to remind people that milk goes back into the fridge,) guilt (because I should be keeping all these plates spinning,) and fear (will my house ever be clean,) onto another person. Real, loving discipline is absent. Instead of making anything better, I'm hurting my family and I'm fueling an evil habit. So I've learned to say to myself "Don't discipline the larger situation. Only deal with the action at hand." (OK, so internally, it doesn't come out that calmly. And externally, what my family normally sees is me closing my eyes, lowering my head and taking deep breaths : ) But at the very least, I am aware of this tendency in myself and I'm working to correct it.
[Meg is sitting beside me drawing pictures. She interrupts me constantly. Her last request was, and I quote, "MOM! Do you know where that....thing....is???" Ah yes, the thing. Of course I know where that is : ) ]
Second, if you need to clean, then clean. But don't become bitter if everyone else isn't cleaning with you. Admittedly, children and spouses should take responsibility for their things. There can be chore charts that need to be completed. But if you happen to be the only person in the home who is bothered by any leftover clutter, you shouldn't place the burden of your zero-tolerance standards on all the people around you. (Sigh. If only that were true.) What you can do is explain to your family the way that your brain works, that clutter makes it harder for you to do what is right (i.e. not loose your temper) and that one way that they can demonstrate their love for you is through cleaning up more. This is humbling! No one likes to admit that they struggle to be godly. I'd rather blast my family with bible verses about "God not being a God of chaos," clearly indicating that God expects them to keep my house immaculate!! Then I have the moral high ground. But what if the bible really doesn't have much to say about clutter? In that case, I should explain my difficulty and ask for help. It's ok. Think of it this way, my children learn the value of and their ability to love someone who is different than they are through this! That's a skills that they can use their whole life. Shaming people into cleaning is a bad idea, asking them to do it out of love is better.
[Brenn just walked up and hugged me. "I just love you so much Mom." Then he walked away : )]
Lastly, practice selective blindness. Sometimes, I just have to not see the clutter in order to focus on what is truly important. It's the old adage about not seeing the forest for the trees. If you become hyper-focused one a specific detail of life, you might miss out on the overall picture. The year 2020 is unbelievably challenging. It's challenging in different ways for different people as well. Bringing that mindset to my home means that I must be intentional about observing the struggles of other people instead of only investigating my own. Brenn has been more emotional lately, becoming tearful at what seems like the drop of a hat. Why? (It's not because the house is messy, I can't tell you that!) Maybe it's because he's missing school, missing church, missing the normal interactions that bolster the spirits of a people-oriented child. Meg seems more fearful these days, often resisting the urge to try new things. Why? Maybe it's because she isn't in an environment where "new" is normal. She's a child who likes routine and setting her own timelines...being pushed out of the comfort zone is a much bigger deal now. On the other hand, Jack appears to be doing really well. Why? I think I'm discovering that Jack is a child who needs just enough social interaction to make him feel like part of a group, so once-a-week youth group is the perfect amount. He loves to get school work done quickly so that he can curl up beside the fire and read. This lifestyle works well for Jack, which means that whenever it changes, there might be problems. All of these issues are things that I can easily overlook if I'm hyper-focused on those new, daily things that now frustrate me. My job as a wife and mother (also co-worker, daughter, and friend) is to practice what I preach. In order to truly love the people around me, I have to truly see them. I have to let the not-really-important-but-oh-so-annoying thing in front of me (whatever that is) become blurry as I shift the focus of my mind to more important things.
[Meg has come up three time while I typed that last paragraph, "Can I interrupt now?" "Not yet." "Now?" "Not yet." "Now???????" "Ok, yes, you can tell me your story now..." She proceeded to tell me a joke about a baby strawberry who was distressed because their mother was "in a jam" : ) ]
So in conclusion, parts of this house are still cluttered right now. But it's ok. I'm ok. I need to find another quiet moment to read my bible, but I've turned on my worship playlist as a stopgap measure. Instead of berating the first child that came up the stairs this morning, I pivoted away from frustration. I promise that there are many days when this doesn't happen, days when my children hear the pressured speech coming out of my mouth and they begin to back away slowly. Those aren't good days. But God's grace is present in my good and my bad days and I'm glad that he doesn't shame me into "doing better." Through his word, the bible, he reminds me of truths like his promise "my gift of undeserved grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak" (II Cor 12:19) and the fact that it during hardships that I learn that, "I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me" (Phil 4:13) and that, "the God of hope [will] fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Rom 15:13) Overflowing with hope... Wouldn't that be something in the middle of 2020?
The truth is this: even though we didn't plan for much of this overwhelming year, God can help us redeem it. I'll leave you with the prayer that I read almost every morning, along with the thoughts that I think about it.
"Lord God, almighty and everlasting Father [his relationship to me is as a child He loves], you have brought me in safety to this new day [the very fact that I am here is due to God's prevenient grace]: Preserve me with your mighty power [for I can't preserve myself, much to my chagrin and frustration], that I may not fall into sin [remember that Satan is deceitful and desires to see you fail], nor be overwhelmed by adversity [standing firm, instead, relying on God's grace and strength when the daily difficulties arrives]; and in all I do direct me to the fulfilling of your purpose [to love Him and love the people he places in my path]; through Jesus Christ my Lord [because in my own strength, I will stumble]. Amen"
Hang in there, friends. This year is big, but God is bigger.
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