This weekend’s marriage posts will be split. I’ll write the one today and Paul will write one on Saturday.
Recognizing Paul’s introverted nature took me about ten minutes after first meeting him. We were sitting across the table from each other at our college dining common, surrounded by chatting, exuberant freshman. He had been invited by a mutual acquaintance and happened to end up facing me at the table. Only, he didn’t really “face” me. Throughout the entire meal, he mostly looked at his tray. When I tried to talk to him he’d glance up, listen, and then look down and after what I thought was a very awkward pause, give me a succinct, non-engaging answer. Too be honest, I was a little put out. Here was a ridiculously attractive boy, a perfect introductory setting, and I was getting little more than short glances and even shorter replies.
After that meal, I crossed him off my list (oh come on, we all had lists when we were freshman!)
But God intervened and if you want a really funny story about our first real interaction you should ask me about it someday. Let’s just say, Paul owes a lot to my dear friend April (Pritt) Nordyke. If it weren’t for her gentle insistence that Paul was someone worth getting to know, I wouldn’t have walked down the aisle to meet him four years later.
So I married my introvert with the gorgeous blue eyes, bizarre sense of humor, steady convictions and deep love for God. These are some thoughts on how Paul’s introverted nature affects his leadership role in our home. By no means exhaustive, but just something to ponder…
Paul makes intentional decisions. Almost nothing is off the cuff. Rather, if I want to know why we are doing what we’re doing, he has a five point outline with researched data to prove his decision. It’s almost funny how intentional he can become. For instance, he will make sure that the lullaby that he wrote for the boys is theologically accurate, without a hint of gray or unproveness. Not only that, but he wrote it so that they will “discover” a deeper meaning when they get older (and of course know it by heart), even as it puts them to sleep in the here and now. I can trust Paul’s leadership to be, if nothing else, based on intentional and serious conviction.
Paul is always thinking. If I talk to him and get a blank stare, he’s not in his “nothing box” (starting 3:50). He’s in his “I’m thinking about this topic so intently that I’m unaware of the most basic of external stimuli” box (not listed among Mark Gungor’s boxes: ). Thinking is awesome. Which means that talking with other people is work—something he can be good at, but it requires effort for him. Over the years, I have learned to recognize this effort as an act of love and affection. If he comes home to a wife who, after a day with toddlers, just wants to “chat” about topics that are far from deep and consequential, he resists the urge to flee and instead engages in the conversation. That right there is a form of sacrifice for him : ).
He is a great listener (once I get him to stop thinking : ). He considers what I say carefully and almost never brushes me off. He asks questions. He tries to give solutions. Sometimes this is frustrating because as we all know, there are times for solutions and there are times for a sympathetic ear. But I’ve learned to preface my conversations with “I need you to help me fix this” or “I just want you to share in my misery” (or something along those lines : ). Once he knows his goal in the conversation, he is one of the best listeners that I know.
Paul isn’t interested is fulfilling a stereotype. His opinion of what other people think of him is pretty low. If he believes that God is pleased with him (and his leadership skills), well, that’s good enough. Consequently, he sometimes neglects those social norms that we as extroverted humans have come to rely on as gages for human worth. He’ll hold the door for an older lady because that makes common sense. To run ahead and get the door for me, well, that would mean a pause in a perfectly good conversation…and he’s confident that I am strong enough to open doors. Sometimes his actions come across as anti-social or unfriendly. But really, that’s because he doesn’t realize the impact of social norms….either that, or he’s thinking again : ) As a people-pleaser myself, I must remember that Paul’s leadership skills must conform to the biblical standard, not a cultural norm. I think that this was a strong point in Wendy’s blog post. She states,
“…there seems to be a large segment of the Christian population that has little understanding of the value of quiet men in the Christian home, and I am grieved over the pressure they put on homes consisting of extrovert wives and introvert husbands.”
Being with people wears Paul out. After a day at the base, talking with all those Airmen, Paul is exhausted. A family vacation where he has to interact with numerous family members all day, every day is daunting to him. Again, when I see Paul willingly go into situations that require lots of social interaction, I know that he is doing this out of love. Either love for God or love for other people.
I am fortunate that I have both a father, mother and sister who are introverts (one wonders where I came from! : ). So when I began to date Paul, I was able to call on them to help me understand him better. Even so, there were certainly the moments of friction one might expect between an extrovert and an introvert, but the longer we’ve been married the more I realize the strength and stability created by the combination of our two natures. (That, and we’ve both changed and learned to adopt some of the more positive aspects of each other’s personalities : ) In the end, our marriage is not about creating culturally acceptable roles. It is about learning to love and serve each other in ways that strengthen our relationship and display God’s glory. Only a creative and all-powerful God could bring two very different people together and cause their love to flourish.
For a laugh (and some pretty decent insight) here is a helpful graphic for us extroverts : )
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