It's three in the afternoon and my house is blessedly quiet because all three of my children have walked to the nearby park. I'm calling it PE, because we're homeschooling. But really, it should be titled "time when Mom gets to regain some sanctification."
Ya'll, I know that I am not naturally gifted as an educator. I knew it my freshman year when, after working for two weeks at an after-school program, I came to the uncomfortable realization that I (an elementary school major) didn't like teaching children. After that epiphany I promptly changed my major and I've been thankful for that moment of enlightenment ever since.
Which brings me to today, this week, this pandemically chaotic year. With the school year looming and the coronavirus wreaking havoc, my prayers became more and more pointed with God as we moved through summer. I went from a fairly generic "please bring healing to our land" to a desperate "please, please, PLEASE just find a way to re-open the schools." But as it became clear that normality wasn't on the horizon, we realized that Jack, Brenn and Meg would find more academic and emotional stability if they just remained at home this year.
So, school officially started yesterday in the Snyder household. And boy, did it start out badly…for me. I think the kids found it fairly uneventful, other than the fact that their teacher appeared to be losing her freaking mind.
Sigh.
The day went poorly for a few reasons. Technology was mostly to blame, but the ripple effects were that we didn't adhere to the schedule I'd made, finish the worked that I'd planned and the onslaught (it was an ONSLAUGHT I tell you!) of questions needing immediate answers from all three simultaneously was overwhelming. From an outsider's perspective, the day probably didn't look so bad. But from the perspective inside my brain, the day felt like the fulfillment of every fearful self-made prophecy that I had conjured up. Homeschooling would be THE WORST.
The Classroom of Life
I suspect that right now, people all over the world are facing circumstances that they have always feared. Anxiety is at a premium. Just look in any direction for things to make you nervous and uncomfortable. The economy, our health, an election, schools, jobs, unemployment benefits, racial tension, religious choices, natural disasters, our families, friendships…and this is just off the top of my head, without opening Facebook and scrolling for a while. You and I might be worried about totally different aspects of the same issue, or we might be worried about completely different issues but I've yet to bump into someone right now, in the middle of 2020, who isn't dealing with the discomfort of uncertainty.
What occurred to me today (as I sat, alone in my house enjoying the silence) is that trials are often teachers in our lives… and they're not the fun-loving, super chill kind either. No, we generally avoid these types of teachers and their classrooms. Right now however, the entire world has been ushered into the lecture hall of life for the course, "Surviving 2020, 101." And while I thought I was cruising along for the last six months, doing pretty well on pop-quizzes like "Navigating Your Social Media Without Losing Your Mind" or "The Basics of Not Hoarding," I'm pretty sure I got a solid D- on the one entitled "Homeschooling: How to be a Mom AND a Teacher."
In the book of 2 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul alluded to a painful classroom-of-life experience of his own. He wrote, "I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."
That "thorn in his flesh," Paul mentioned could be compared to any of the hundreds circumstances and new realities that are plaguing people all around the globe right now. And like Paul, we all have been asking that God would remove the difficulties from our lives. And this is fine! God tells us to be persistent in our requests to him. But, as I was reminded while listening to a sermon by my pastor recently, God's answer to our desperate plea may very well be "No." It was "No" for the apostle Paul. And this summer, it was "No" for me as well. Perhaps God is globally answering "No" to all of us. (At least we can commiserate, right?)
So when my request that in-person schooling was denied and I was forced take on the role of teacher and mom, I can't pretend that it was, or will be, easy. There will many D- minus days in my life moving forward. In fact, the temptation is there to feel like God is setting me up for failure. (“Ummmm, God? I wouldn‘t be tempted to lose my temper right now if you‘d just let them go to school!!!”) But the answer to that temptation is this belief; that God plans out the events of my life so that I will have the best chance of becoming more and more like Jesus (which is how I look at Rom 8:28.) Sometimes it’s gritty moments of life that bring about the best change. So if by faith I believe that homeschooling my children is the plan designed by God for my continued sanctification, then what is it that I need most to move forward?
Grace, the Answer is Grace
It's true that I have so many amazing resources to help me on this journey. My mother, my homeschooling family members and friends, FB groups and the internet at large. But even more than those very helpful things, I have the presence of the Holy Spirit and the gift of God's grace. Educational information, state-provided funds, encouraging friends are all wonderful, but peace, wisdom, strength, patience, humility…these are the truly invaluable resources that I need.
It's during the "no" parts of life that we really (really!) come to understand God's sufficient grace. That term, "God's sufficient grace," it sounds so poetic, so spiritual, so christian t-shirt worthy, right? But when I'm in the middle of the first day of homeschooling and all I feel like doing is rage cleaning the whole house due to overwhelming frustration, "sufficient grace" ends up being very down-to-earth. It's asking God to keep my mouth shut when I want to speak cutting words, it's asking God for clarity when something little feels huge in the moment, it's asking God for love to give when I feel empty and worn out emotionally. Patience, joy, love…in-the-moment responses that I need, but don't have naturally. So God, through his Spirit, provides them. This is what "sufficient grace" looks like in my life.
The year 2020 may be the year of grace for many of us. Perhaps 2019 found you cruising along, confident and proud in your ability to handle life. Then the coronavirus arrived and suddenly, nothing felt "handable" anymore. This year, this trial, this class…it's hard. But instead of persistently mourning the loss of comfort and stability, instead of being hyper focused on daily failures, instead of storming out of the lecture hall and demanding to drop the class (is that even an option?!) I can choose to ask God for grace to learn and change. Hebrews 4:16 states, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." The verse doesn't cap the number of times we can access this throne room, and since the only qualifier is that the help is for when we "need it most," I fully plan on being there often over the next few months.
What has he called you too, right now? Are you fearful, angry, despondent, prideful, self-sufficient or resentfully looking for a way to exit the classroom? Or are you determined to tackle the challenge and use the resources at your fingertips, in your heart? Will you enter the throne room often and ask God for the grace needed to make the right choices in your current lecture hall of life?
And on days when you fail the pop quiz and get handed that D-, remember that you're not alone : ) We're all in this together.
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