This weekend was incredibly busy and Liz and I were too tired (albeit a good tired :-) to post this yesterday. So, in answer to this post:
Problem 1: Respecting your spouse when they don’t respect you.
The Wrong Solution: You might decide to tear them down in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Kind of a “tit for tat” mindset. Or, you might just stop trying to share your thoughts and experiences with them because they don’t deserve to know and they don’t listen anyway. Now, while these solutions come very naturally to us, most of us know that they are sinful responses. Both come from a desire to seek vengeance for their lack of respect towards you (Rom 12:19). But as you might guess, following this path will never improve the situation. Your spouse will not respond by giving you respect, you will not feel better about yourself (you’ll feel guilty…because you are guilty), and your actions actually will be as unworthy of respect as your spouses’ actions or words.
Scriptural Solution:
1. Do not stop moving toward your spouse in love. Whether they know it or not, they need to be a integral part of your life. They need to know about your day and you need to know about theirs. You can’t live together and have a thriving marriage if you cease those everyday conversations. Thus, at an opportune time, have a loving discussion about the issue of respect. Be clear about what you perceive as disrespectful without attacking your spouse’s character. He/she will not necessarily agree with you, but if you can give them concrete examples, the Holy Spirit can do the heart-level work that you can never (and were never called to) do. In the case that they understand, but don’t agree, ask them to think about it. Trust God to work. You have just spoken the truth in love, just done something “honorable,” now endeavor to continue showing love to them in order to give the Spirit some space to work.
2. In the moment of disrespect (and really at all moments), focus on giving respect rather than receiving it. Find that thing deserving of honor and respect (start at the baseline if necessary) and follow Romans 12:17, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.” Instead of worrying about getting honor, worry about being honorable. Remember that Peter told the first century believers to honor the emperor even as the emperor set about on a program encouraging their persecution (1 Peter 2:17). God is honored when you honor your spouse.
3. Lastly, learn to show mercy and grace in those frustrating moments. Overlook the evil done to you and cultivate the habit of not allowing personal insults to take root in your heart. Much easier said than done, I know!
Problem 2: Respecting when familiarity breeds contempt.
Scriptural Solution:
1. Make it a point to constantly focus on their strengths and on the evidences of grace in their life, not on real/perceived weaknesses. Isn’t this how you would want her/him to look at you (Lk 6:31)? Take the time to remind yourself of all those characteristics and qualities in which your spouse excels. Bring those to mind when you are tempted to focus on their failures. Take Paul as an example, the church at Corinth was horrible (they had divisions, rejected Paul’s authority, engaged in sexual immorality, judged each other, became proud of their spiritual gifts, showed a consistent lack of love, and etc.), yet he pens 1 Cor 1:4-9. (I know what you’re thinking “You don’t understand! My spouse is worse than a Corinthian.” :-)
2. Remember your spouse’s difficulties rather than their failures. Understand that your spouse is weak because of the fall. She/He lives in a broken world and has a sin nature—just like you. In a perfect world there is not such thing as a flat tire, irate bosses, sickness, uncertainties, etc. If she/he is having a bad day with lots of brokenness chances are that bad day will splash up on you. Pray for them as they live in a broken world. Then provide love and support as they struggle through what might be a really rough period of their life. In showing sacrificial love you will be less tempted to grumble about the inconveniences that you experienced.
Problem 3: Respecting them even though they’re “different” (i.e. dealing with cultural prejudices).
Ask yourself if the thing you hold in contempt is a moral thing or a culture thing. It’s easy to confuse the two when contempt rears it’s insidious head (just ask me how I feel about Liz’s habit of storing medicine in the cup cabinet in the kitchen!). So when you make your decisions about classical music or country, the loose end of the toilet paper under or over, spending money on travel or stuff, having strict table manners or lax table manners, going out or staying at home, ask “is it moral in an of itself” (hint: these are examples of non-moral issues). If they aren’t, then be gracious. If it doesn’t matter to God, then dwell in peace. Agree on a way to settle the “disputes” and love each other by living with the new arrangement peacefully. So whether both of you jump to give in to the other person’s preferences (after all there’s lots of kingdom treasure involved:-), or you take turns, or you flip a coin, or you try to always do the thing that makes the most sense (be careful with this one:-), outdo one another in showing honor.
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