The marriage post for this week is not in the same format that you all know and love (at least no one has said that they hate it:-). Instead we wanted to present a series of questions based on this post by Tim Challies. After hearing a pastor say that his wife’s job (wife and mother) was more difficult than his (the pastor’s), Challies relates:
After we watched C.J.’s address, Aileen and I went out for lunch and I told her, “I don’t think your job is harder than mine.” I didn’t mean this as a judgment of how she goes about her responsibilities. I simply meant that in a subjective sense I don’t feel like it’s a true statement or one I could say with real conviction. She replied, “Do you think your job is harder than mine?” I don’t feel like that is true either. And as we talked I found myself expressing something like this: Our roles are so different, so complementary, that any kind of comparison is unhelpful. It doesn’t matter whose job is more difficult; what matters is that we each fulfill our role, our calling, with joy and with skill.
Of course, I did what any self-respecting husband might do, I asked Liz what she thought. The following is a synopsis of our conversation. As usual, the bold are my statements, and the regular font are Liz’s.
Does this happen in our marriage? If so, when?
Well, I have a horrible memory. So….no. Not ever.
Ok, so yes, it does happen. Although I wouldn’t say that I compare myself to Liz very often. It doesn’t occur to me to do this. However, if Liz brings the subject up during a conversation, I will quickly respond in kind.
If I bring the subject up, it’s usually because I am feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities. For instance, if a household task needs doing and I feel that I can’t get it done, I might use the excuse “I am busier than you are” in order to guilt Paul into accepting the new responsibility. Instead of asking him to do it, I want him to realize how busy I am and offer to complete the task.
Either that, or I am feeling under appreciated for all that I contribute to our shared life and I just want a little affirmation. I can’t come out and say “I feel under-appreciated you big jerk! Appreciate me!” So I create a laundry list of responsibilities with the hope that he will catch the hint…..like this 1950’s guy apparently did : )
Does this tactic accomplish the goal that we had? What are our reactions?
For me, when Liz begins to rattle off her list of duties, I start to feel under-appreciated myself. Like, what am I then?! Chopped liver? A lazy bum? Why is she trying to convince me that she does more? I start to think, “when was I last appreciated for what I do everyday?” Of course, since all of this is going on in my head, I don’t realize her stress or insecurity. I don’t stop to consider what her motive might be in telling me all these things. Instead, I focus on creating my own list and developing my own defenses.
When Paul shoots back his own list of duties, I feel either guilty or defensive. If his life really is as busy as he describes it, then how could I even ask him to add one more thing? Maybe I’m the lazy person! On the other hand, if I feel as though Paul is just deflecting my concerns by throwing a bunch of excuses at me, then I get angry and defensive. I’ll double down and insist that I’m correct. I’ll bring up instance after instance to prove my point. And I will dog the issue until I’m worn out (because it’s rare that Paul will give in at this point : ).
So, does this ever happen in your home? Does it frustrate you? Tomorrow we’ll finish the conversation with some (hopefully) helpful insights into why people use this tactic and how we can respond appropriately when it happens. Until then, have a great weekend!
Comments